gryestone 01

THE GREYSTONE PHENOMENON Part 1

The following events are not in any chronological order they just appear as they are remembered.

As always it was a quiet sunny day at work, odd jobs being finished and things being tidied up prior to the weekend.

One of the tasks we always carried out on a weekly basis was to drain off any water that had built up in the tanks. Yorkie and I were obviously deeply engrossed in some menial task and the “Professor” offered to go out and do the draining.

Draining water from the tanks had to be the simplest task to be faced by any Pet Fitter.

At the lowest point on all the tanks there was a two inch pipe. Attached to this pipe was a simple 2” gate valve. To drain the water off all you had to do was open the valve. At least that’s what a normal person would do. Not the “Prof”.

He’d obviously been deep in thought and somewhere in the depths of his maths saturated brain he’d come up with the perfect solution to speed up the opening procedure of a two inch gate valve.

Visualise the valve. A machined lump of brass screwed onto a length of pipe. Protruding from the top of this lump of brass was a spindle of brass about 10mm thick. Attached to this spindle was a four-spoked wheel which when turned opened the valve. Simple? Oh no, not to the “Prof”. Turning it by hand took too long, there had to be a quicker way!

Suddenly from the wilderness of the bund walls came this screech of agony. Yorkie and I, like a pair of greyhounds head towards the noise. We eventually find our favourite Sgt writhing in pain with his “broken” finger still wedged in the spokes of the valve wheel.

He’d only put his finger in the spokes and started to rotate the wheel at a rate of knots. However, he’d carried on going when the wheel had stopped. Consequences: Broken finger, knackered theory.

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One thing we’d always lusted after was a nice trailer mounted pump. We’d never get one through the system so we had long ago given up hope.

Dreams can come true, with an offer from the “Yanks”. Would we like the spare trailer mounted pump they had? They didn’t need to ask a second time.

The pump was located just outside the village and was still attached to the system of an old 30 x 9 tank. If we’d collect it we could have it.

Off we all troop down to the tank and there it is. Beautiful, a treat for the eyeballs, what more could we ask for?

The pump was connected to the system by a length of “Quick Acting” 10’ x 4” suction hose.

So, you may ask. What is the significance of a QA 10 x 4 hose? Well the significance is that a suction hose is lined with a metal type coil to stop it from collapsing during the pump operation.

We all surround the coupling that only secures the hose by two slim levers with cams. Normally it’s a case of release the levers and the hose slips from the coupling. However, this time it’s not anyone normal who’s lifting the handles, it’s the “Prof”.

Whoever had fitted the hose had either a good sense of humour or alternatively a sadistic streak. They’d taken the trouble to wind the hose up before tightening the handles.

Visualise the picture. The “Prof” leans over the coupling, pulls the two levers, a flash of black rubber as the hose leaps from the coupling like a bolt of lightening. It seems almost animated. A couple of somersaults, it flips round a couple more times and then with remarkable accuracy straightens up and the 4” metal connection performs dental surgery on our poor old “Prof”.

OK so it’s not funny, but it was the way he spat out the teeth between shredded lips that brought the tears to our eyes. We were almost in as much pain as he was. My pain was down to holding back my screams of mirth.

Still, there was one bonus. The “Prof” got a free trip to Honolulu to visit a dental surgeon, and we were assured of our safety until his return. Here endeth the second lesson.